i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
