So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
