I need help removing her.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
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