you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
