when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
