She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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