Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
