Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
