tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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