He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
