I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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