come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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