So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
