You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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