i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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