Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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