He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
