You're my little dorito
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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