The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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