My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
