I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
