the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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