What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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