I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
