Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
