We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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