You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
they're like a gay fantastic four
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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