My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
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