Got a toothbrush?
You're completely useless in the revolution.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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