You're completely useless in the revolution.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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