How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
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Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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