he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
