Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
