just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Are my feet made of real feet?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
