I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
