Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
my shit smells like andre
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
