I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
