He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
