I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
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