Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I just found a bag of teeth...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
