I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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