I wish I could teleport
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
