I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
