i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
