I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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