I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
