I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
