A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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