Pappa wants mamma naked
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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