I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
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She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
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The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina