seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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