everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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