I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
