is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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