my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
