I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
How naked do you want me to be?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
