Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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